The Boy Hiding Inside Me
(I’m meeting lots of young men in their thirties who are working hard to try to figure themselves out or plowing ahead ignoring the warning signs showing up in failed relationships and insecurities. I’m writing to you. I feel this is the next step in my journey and yours. This is not for everyone so feel free to opt out or opt in.)
Rick & Ricky
I don’t know why I”m reflecting so much on my past these days, I really don’t but it feels good to remember that innocent kid still living deep inside me.
That kids function and dysfunction made me the man I am today.
He was a tender kid, they used to call it “sensitive”, who was misunderstood as weak.
When you cry easily it’s like placing a target on your forehead so bullies can pick you out and pick you off at the drop of a hat.
I remember laying low for much of my younger years.
I didn’t have a lot of friends because who wants to be friends with people who can’t let you see who they are.
I couldn’t fake being secure, how does a kid do that?
I was just trying to get through the day.
As I got older, in high school, I learn not to cry but instead to bite back quicker, harder and longer than those attacking me.
I remember this kid told someone he was going to beat me up (I never got into an actual fight) and I was so scared I walked past him in the hallway, he raised a hand and I punched him out of fear.
My mouth became my weapon of choice.
My sharp tongue cut deep to keep my enemies at bay.
But all it really did was push that tender kid off in some corner of my soul alone to try to figure things out for himself while the bigger Rick kept him prisoner in silence.
In the meantime I smoked pot, drank and did the usual things someone does to try to fit in, hide and escape..... numb the pain.
The adolescent me hated that little kid inside.
I blamed him for my insecurities and basically smothered him to death.
In a therapy session in my thirties while trying to figure out my dad issues with my own dad, something weird happened.
I’m very visual and my therapist told me to close my eyes, go into a room and wait. As I did I saw Jesus appear in my mind with me and that ten year old boy.
The boy was crying as he tried to get me to hug him.
I refused and told him to grow the fuck up and stop crying.
Jesus looked at me, walked over to the boy (me) and started hugging him.
The boy just wept like a baby.
Still I refused to pay attention to my younger self.
I hated him.
Finally Jesus walked over to me, reached for my hand, I gave it to Him and he wrapped that arm around my 10 year old self and we both started to cry. The three of us stood there entwined in the longest most tender hug.
My child just wanted me to accept him and, until that moment, I wanted nothing to do with him. I hated him….I hated me.
Jesus didn’t tell me anything that day in my vision.
Nope he showed me what needed to be done and then gently helped me do it.
That day something left me.
My insecurities were gone.
The restoration of Rick with Ricky changed everything.
Life is so complicated.
We get stuck and blame others when its us holding us back.
It wasn’t my dad who kept me from Ricky, it was me trying to protect my feelings.
I always thought I was kind of a weak man.
But that day I realized how strong I am.
I’m courageous because I know who I am, who I was and what I am meant to be.
There is nothing more powerful than a human in touch with his or her spirit.
There are a lot of men out there like me, I meet them all the time.
They fear they will not be all they are meant to be and blame some outside source or those around them.
When you can get one on one with Jesus and realize He’s not there to magically change you but to mysteriously and miraculously transform you, mountains move and oceans part.
You are not weak.
You are powerful.
You are not odd or weird.
You are misunderstood.
He does not create mistakes.
Isn’t it time to get serious about writing this story called “your life?”
It’s dangerous, powerful, difficult and most of all worth it.
Now, let's get to work.
Welcome to the journey